Fullmetal Alchemist – Raison D’Etre

Raison D'Etre 

‘Fullmetal Alchemist’ by Hiromu Arakawa
“Raison D’Etre”

 DISCLAIMER: Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa. Not Ryuuzaki Kusakurin. Don’t sue me. If you don’t like yaoi, DO NOT READ.

Warnings: Yaoi, WAFF, etc.
Characters: Roy Mustang, Edward Elric, Alphonse Elric, etc.
Pairings: Roy x Ed

If you have seen this posted on fanfiction.net, it’s because I posted it there.

Chapter I 

I’m lonely, but I’ve always been. I can feel the heartless beat of the cool rain as it smothers my soul. They’re tears. The raindrops that can destroy like this are tears. The love that I hold will always be there. But…I’m sorry for these feelings. I never wanted to be like this…but now the rain symbolizes the tears I will never shed. Never be able to shed. It’s almost funny, how much I used to see tears and think of them as a weakness. Now I know it’s a strength, to be able to confront yourself. And now, while everyone sees me and thinks of how strong I am…I’m not. And the rain keeps pounding.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

The man stared out the window, hearing the rain, feeling each droplet on his heart. His hand groped instinctively for something that wasn’t there, his eyes seeing things that could never again be seen. In the reverie, his lips parted and a cry escaped from him. But the sound wasn’t there; it was all in his mind.

The child fell in front of him, crying and terrified. Clutching a gun close to his chest, the panicked face of the soldier, no more that 12 or 13 years old, stared up at him. His hand was poised, ready to release the flames that could be brought about with only a snap. The young officer paused, haunted by the child’s eyes. In that second, the child raised the gun to the alchemist and would have shot had last-second reflexes not kicked in.

The child’s shrieks of pain as the red flames licked at his charred body rang through the air, mingling with the people’s cries of sadness.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

Edward Elric trudged forward in the rain. He loathed the rain. It made his automail rust, squeak, and hurt to use.

“Brother?” Alphonse asked quietly, reaching out to his brother’s flesh arm and placing his hand there, on the shoulder. Ever since he had gotten his body back, he had been made a lot more sensitive to his brother’s moods.

“It’s nothing, Al,” Ed sighed, for the first time showing a hint of maturity. Then, as quickly as the maturity was there, it was gone. “I have to go make my report to Colonel Bastard,” he said, now mimicking the Colonel’s voice and doing a relatively good job of it. “Oh, sorry about that, I couldn’t see you under my paperwork. It’s amazing how the military has use for a shrimp like you..oh, that’s right, you make a good spy since you pass as a little kid. Want to get something to eat? I’ll be back here when you do, bring me your kid’s menu from wherever you’re going, those things are fun to colour,” Ed ranted, getting odd looks from the people on the streets at Central.

“You don’t need to leave to give your report until later, Onii-chan,” Al remarked, dragging the older Elric along. Finally reaching the military apartments, he noticed a familiar blonde. “Hello, Lieutenant Hawkeye!” he called cheerfully, waiting for the officer to turn around.

“Hello Al, Edo-chan. Come back to make a report?” she asked, aptly guessing from Ed’s state of mind at the moment.

“Maybe later,” Ed growled, “like never…”

“Colonel Mustang had said that he would be working until about 10 tonight,” she remarked helpfully. Though all of them knew it was only under pain of death by Hawkeye’s gun. Thanking the Lieutenant, Al shoved his brother into their quarters for a shower and probably a little rest before his report.

—–fullmetal alchemist—–

“Hey, Colonel?” came Havoc’s voice.

“Yes, Havoc?” the Colonel responded as Jean Havoc came through the door, a stack of paperwork in his hands.

“Courtesy of Hawkeye,” the tall man said, smiling.

“Thank you. You may go now, Lieutenant,” Roy acknowledged. As the man left, closing the door, Roy turned his chair back to the window, the rain coming down even harder.

“State Alchemist Marcoh has gone missing,” said Fuhrer President Bradley, steel glinting in his eyes. “I expect anyone who sees the deserter to strike him down immediately. Dismissed.” Of course, all the alchemists left with the order in mind. Marcoh was healing the enemy, therefore had to be taken down.

It had been days later that Mustang had seen the fleeing alchemist. When Marcoh finally saw the younger officer, he paused, speaking only after he was sure that he had been caught. The words he had said next would always be remembered.

I suppose you’re here to kill me, aren’t you?”

The weary voice of his former comrade shocked him. Bowing his head, he simply turned around and continued down the alleyway as if he had never seen the man. Marcoh realized the blessing for what it was and escaped.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

Al was busy playing with the newly-dried kitten he had found while the older Elric was in the shower. He knew Ed wouldn’t let him keep it, but it was so cute… the little cat jumped up from his lap as the bathroom door opened and Edward emerged, wearing only his boxers. Failing to conceal the pain he was in from his automail, he limped lightly over to his room to get changed, so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t even notice the small feline critter.

Dressing in a black tank top and black leather pants, Ed only needed his red coat to look normal, but since it was raining, he decided that he didn’t want to get the burgundy coat wet. It was about seven o’clock already, and the rain picked up again. Sighing, he began the process of braiding his long blonde hair and selected a black coat from his closet. Putting his boots on, he left his room and nearly tripped over the small orange ball of fluff at his feet. Mewing softly, it irked him to no end.

“Al!” he yelled, bringing his younger brother running to the entryway. “Get rid of it!”

“But brother, it’s raining outside, and it looked hungry!” Ed rolled his eyes at this. Typical Al.

“We don’t have the time to care for it, Al,” he muttered, purposely not looking into his brother’s eyes. One look and — too late. “Oh alright, we can keep it until it stops raining and then it goes. Understand?” Al didn’t even answer, he was too busy petting the cat. “C’mon Al, we’ve gotta get something to eat, I’m starving.” Happy that his brother’s spirits had lightened, Al followed the state alchemist out the door, leaving the kitten with a dish of milk.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

The rain outside was pouring now. An ambulance’s sirens came to his ears as the vehicle rushed to the scene of an emergency.

Sirens. Mythical heralds of bad luck, beautiful women who could call any man to their deathbed. But now… Sirens, the bells that called the alchemists and soldiers to war against the innocents. Innocent faces…Women, men, children, mother, fathers, babies, lovers, friends, all in the name of justice and freedom. Corrupted justice and freedom. Why did it ever have to happen?

Inside the window, away from the rain, a single tear ran down Roy Mustang’s cheek. The dark eyes blinked once, still caught in the vision of the haunting reverie.

The clock inside HQ struck eight, most people already gone from the offices.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

“Brother?” Al asked again, a bit hurredly.

“What, Al?” Edward asked, finished stuffing his face with food.

“It’s eight thirty, Onii-chan. You need to make your report to Mustang really soon.”

“I know, I know,” he muttered, sinking back into his chair and not even bothering to glance in the direction of the window to his left. It would still be raining, and that bastard up in HQ would be laughing about Ed’s height. Paying for the bill, he left the small restaurant, dreading the time to come. “See you at home, Al,” he sighed, taking the road which led to HQ and away from the apartments.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

By now, there was nothing Mustang could… or would do to make himself feel better. He was crying, and sadness had overcome even his strong facade. His hands to his forehead, he slumped in exhaustion and depression on his desk.

The knife he had used was now discarded on his desk, droplets of his own blood spotting the blade, his shredded left sleeve edged with the crimson fluid. The deep slashes he had left in the hope of feeling better had done almost nothing…there wasn’t anything that would ever bring him relief.

Remembering the Ishbal War, all the children and their blood on his hands, he felt a wave of self-loathing come over him. The rain wasn’t his friend either; it just opened all of his emotional floodgates. Shaking, he reached down to a drawer in his desk, unlocking it and pulling out the contents, feeling the cold power of what he held. Pointing the gun right underneath his chin, he cried once more, not for himself, but for the love he was to lose, and the lives this single weapon had already stolen. It was fitting that his would be the last.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

The Fullmetal Alchemist entered HQ, seeing the lights partially darkened. It figured, Al had told him that everyone would have gone home by now. Climbing up the metal stairs, he reached the fourth floor, where Mustang’s office was. The entire group of his worked here most of the time.

Walking down the corridor, he found the office he was looking for. Even before he opened the door, he noticed that the lights were off. But nothing could have completely prepared him for what he saw as he opened the door.

“I’m here to make my report, Colonel Bast—” he paused mid-word, seeing Mustang crying, a gun at his chin, his hand on the trigger. A small army-manufactured knife lay open on the desk, spots of blood visible on the light metal. The lower left sleeve of the Colonel was torn and cut open, with deep cuts obvious to anyone who would look.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

He blinked once, twice, then again. The scene in front of him solidifed through the tears, and he saw the childlike figure of Edward Elric in front of him just in time to hear the horrified whisper.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

Mustang simply closed his eyes again, letting the tears keep falling.

“Mustang–” Ed said, shaking his head. That didn’t sound right to comfort anyone. “Roy…give me the gun, now,” he ordered, trying to sound firm and commanding when on the inside he was scared. Scared to see this man, usually so put together, trying to kill himself. The adult opened his red eyes and weakly handed the gun to the Elric. Taped to the gun was a small paper, written in the handwriting of the Colonel, though it was shaky and hard to read.

Tell Edward Elric that I’m sorry, please.

“Roy..?” he asked, more scared than ever. Did the Colonel…no. He couldn’t. There were more important things to worry about. The older man was sitting in his chair, trying to dry his darkened eyes.

“What, Fullmetal?” he snapped, immediately regretting it, seeing the teenager’s face fall a little.

“Why…why would you do something like that?” he demanded, a little calmer. Finally moving to where Mustang sat, he shook off his nervousness and exhaustion and straddled the older man in order to sit down. “Roy…don’t do that…please. Once you die, your life is gone. There’s no fixing the mistake you made. Please?” he begged, starting to cry himself. When Mustang didn’t answer, he pressed his lips gently to the older man’s and whispered it one more time, ready to do whatever it took to stop him.

“Please?”

 —–fullmetal alchemist—–

 Chapter II

It was still pouring, and it had begun to thunderstorm. It was very nearly 10:00, and there was still the ever-present threat of what damage Roy could do to himself. The older man glanced up with red eyes at the latest crack of thunder, beginning to wonder aloud.

“What worth does my life hold?” he asked to the clouds, unaware that his thought had been aloud. Deciding in his thoughts, he spoke aloud again, not really doing so intentionally. “Nothing. I have nothing to live for.”

Edward Elric heard these words and felt something in his heart stop. The bastard saying he had nothing to live for? Impossible…he shook his head in exhaustion but knew he had to stay with the Flame.

“You still have your dream to become Fuhrer, don’t you?” the young alchemist demanded, and when he received no response, he began to worry even more, if that was possible.

“Well then, maybe it’s time you found something more to live for,” the teenager completed.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

He heard the thunder, and the rain, but in his mind there were still the screams, the roar of cannons, the cries of children from Ishbal. And they had all died at the military’s hand.

I can’t kill you, he realized, a split second before it was too late and the sword was jammed into his chest, digging between his ribs. He choked out blood, not even feeling the pain as he swung the sword out and used it to slash the man’s throat out. Later, the Rockbells, who worked as doctors for both sides, would tell him that he was lucky to be alive. And of course, he went to fight as soon as he could stand again. Some called it a miracle. Others—the Ishbalans—would call it justice.

A few more tears dropped out of his eyes, and subconsciously remembering where his pocketknife was, he began once more to slash at his arms. Blood droplets gently dripped onto the floor, making Ed look up. He didn’t realize where the sound was coming from, thought that it was just the rain. And then he walked over to the older man, talking softly and haltingly.

“Mustang—let’s go somewhere—your house, somewhere you can rest, please? There’s nothing you can do by staying here, we’re going to your home, alright?” he asked tentatively. The Colonel wasn’t used to taking orders often, but he followed as if in a daze, past the door threshold to his office, past the stair entry, and dripping blood from his drenched sleeve all the way. Some hit the stairs, some stained his shoes. But it wasn’t like it mattered anyway.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

Out late in the rain, the Colonel’s coat was draped over his shoulders, thanks to Edward, who was certain Mustang was going to get sick. Finally reaching the house, by Mustang’s direction, he was relieved to see the man becoming more of himself again. Entering hurriedly from the cold rain that was now mixed with sleet, Ed looked around. It was a mansion, mostly painted in warm colours that weren’t unlike the flames Roy loved to use. But the man…he stood in the doorway, looking more than a little disappointed in himself, he had barely said anything, and it felt like he was trapped in his own body without a way out. Stumbling over to the couch in a daze, he sat slouched over while he watched Ed light a fire in the fireplace directly in front of him.

“I was right,” Ed said, almost triumphantly.

“About what, halfmetal?” he snapped, once again regretting it after the events of the evening. He sat back.

“You just need something…something to live for. Equivalent exchange. You give something, you take something. Your life is what you’re giving. What will you decide to take?”

“My life…” he growled. “I was almost strong enough to pull the trigger. Almost. Why did you walk in?” he demanded, not angry but more sad than anything else. Pity for the older man overtaking him, the Elric padded over to the Colonel, awkwardly wrapping his two arms around his shoulders in a loose embrace. The officer leaned into his subordinate, seeking the comfort that he somehow knew that only the younger one could give.

“Maybe you could be my reason, Ed,” he murmured to the already-asleep teen, gently kissing him on the cheek and letting him drift off to sleep, cozy in front of the fire. He slept the entire night, not noticing when Ed periodically woke up to make sure the man was going to be ok.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

“Hello, this is Lieutenant Hawkeye speaking.”

“This is the Fullmetal Alchemist. The Colonel won’t be coming to work today, Riza,” he said through the phone. “He’s sick and last night I had to stay here to make sure he’d be alright.”

“I’ll have Havoc bring his paperwork later today, Edo-chan. Bye,” she said, hanging up.

“Who was that?” Roy asked, dragging himself downstairs for either breakfast or to talk.

“Hawkeye. I told her you wouldn’t be in today,” he said, staring him down pointedly. “I called Al too so he wouldn’t worry,” he sighed. It made Roy wonder when the alchemist had become so mature.

“I’ve got work to do…” he groaned, collapsing in a chair and grudgingly accepting a plate of toast.

“You’re not going, Mustang,” he said, blushing a little at the thought of controlling the older man. Sitting down, he impulsively reached out and grabbed Roy’s hand, blushing furiously as he did. “It’ll all be okay, I promise,” he said, both reassuring himself and comforting Mustang.

‘At least he doesn’t know how I feel…or at least I hope he doesn’t…’ Ed thought, more than a little nervous now. But as Roy gulped down his daily unhealthy amount of coffee, he realized it didn’t really matter at the moment; as long as he could keep the man from himself, it never would.

 —–fullmetal alchemist—–

The final hints of the night had finally left, though by now Edward knew how much Mustang preferred the dark. Drawing the curtains open against the cloudy grey sky, he realized that despite the rain the previous night, it could snow today.

“Colonel?”

“Yes, Fullmetal?” Roy called back, finally downstairs and dressed in a plain—but relatively tight-fitting—white shirt and non-military pants. A black coloured light jacket laid over his muscular frame, and Ed blushed boyishly for the third time that day.

“Can—can we go outside for a little?” he asked, knowing how childish it sounded. Most of the time he hated snow, but right now it seemed so—so pure.

“You can. I’ll stay in here,” Roy grumbled, hating the snow. Water dampened his gloves, didn’t allow him to release the fire that came so readily in other weather. And water usually came via rain…tears…Depressing himself easily, he strode over the the sofa where he had spent the night, declaring, “I’ll be right here when you get back, shrimp.”

Of course, the response was a large crash from the coat hanger, and some muffled yelling.

“WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT HE COULD BE MISTAKEN FOR A SHRIMP?!”

“Nobody, Fullmetal…”

As soon as the door slammed, Roy let out a loud laugh that rang throughout the entire house, finally merry in time for the holidays. While Fullmetal was out, he could decorate, he supposed.

 —–fullmetal alchemist—–

Pressing his hands to the ground, Edward watched as snow was forced into the shape of a snowman. Seeing the passers-by gathered around in awe, he decided a few more things could be done. Clapping his hands once more, he made a rough black hat, and while receiving applause, fashioned an orange-shaped cone for the nose. Different praises rang through the air, until one onlooker said the wrong thing…

“What a talented child!”

Turning around slowly, Ed started shouting immediately.

“WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE COULD BE MISTAKEN FOR A KID!”

The entire crowd had managed to disappear within twenty seconds, amazement turned to respectful fear. Apparently the child had a temper to match his skills…

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

“What’s the matter, Fullmetal? You were outside for what…twenty minutes?” Roy inquired.

“Nothing. I built a snowman. And came inside.” Chuckling, Mustang grabbed another string of lights for the tree that had sat undecorated only a moment ago. “And my name’s Edward, not Fullmetal.”

“Alright. Ed. Help me get these untied. I’d like to finish decorating.”

“Whatever you say, bastard,” he sighed, while his heart was saying simply ‘oh Roy, if only you knew…’

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

Roy was unsettled, annoyed, depressed, and upset. With himself. It was around midnight, Ed was soundly asleep in the guest room across the hall, and there were more than fifteen kinds of pills in front of him. An overdose of any single one could kill him… why did he need to die though?

The cannons roared with fire, as the Flame Alchemist met the resistance on the front lines. Snapping once, he allowed the fire to consume and burn every single soldier in front of him, mostly enemy soldiers. It made things so much easier. You didn’t have to watch your victims die, their eyes glazing over as they cried out in sheer agony. As the life was slowly, painfully, unmercifully sapped from their dying bodies. As their souls were released to plague the killer. Yes, the Ishbalans had been right. His life was saved due to divine justice.

And then he was crying again.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

The sound of soft crying awoke the Elric, leading him to get out of bed. Dressed in his boxers and a black nightshirt, he didn’t even bother knocking on the other bedroom door as he gently pushed it aside. Seeing Roy sitting on the edge of his bed, head in his hands, forced a sudden uprising of pity and caring from him.

“Taisa? Are you alright?” Whispering different things to the man, he sat down.

“Ed…” Mustang cried, still haunted by the memories, the nightmares.

“I’m here,” he said, finally taking control and closing his mouth over Roy’s. Breaking off from the kiss, he finished the thought. “I’ll be here for as long as you need me.” The Colonel’s response to that was to lean in for another kiss, pulling his shirt off as he clung to the blonde.

It may have been in desperation, love, or thanks, Ed didn’t know. But he did know that he was in heaven. At the same time, Roy gently ran his hand down Ed’s back, learning how to deal with what would most likely be a long night.

Chapter III

There’s no doubt anymore. I’m starting to love him. But it can’t be right, what can a relationship be worth if one must hide it? Hiding…in the darkness of the sun, while the sun’s obscured by the clouds of hate. Love, hate, care, loathing, what’s the difference? Death, life, day, night, there is no difference. But then how…how can I be in love with him? I guess it might be because of how much the same and yet how different we are. But… He’s so much like me, it scares me at times. The determination in those amber eyes…it’s so empowering, and yet so beautiful, just like the rest of him. He reminds me of my younger brother more than myself… His name was Jonathan. Jonathan Cairteal Mustang. When I was ten, and he was eight, he died… we were exploring the wooded areas around our mountainhouse when we found a small pool of water. Neither of us could swim. He had been too close to the rocks, and fell in. I—I watched him die. Several hours later, when Father found me, it was too late. When he brought Jonathan’s body up from the bottom of that crystal-clear pond, his lips were blue, his face pale. In his hand was a small stone, the black one I always keep in my pocket, as well as a watermint leaf. For that’s what his middle name means–meant. Watermint. He had blonde hair, like the rest of my family. Blonde hair, light brown eyes…he looked so much like Edward looks today… and yet, he’s not. How could I ever blame Fullmetal for human transmutation? Why do I still fel obligated to hate him?

Why do I love him?

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

The thunder resounded and bounced around the darkened bedroom. The mirror in the corner of the room reflected the light and caused Roy to jump. Thunderstorms didn’t scare him, but there was a part of him that would always be afraid of the light from the storms. It left him no place to hide, and so much like daytime, he had to retreat behind his outer facade. The mirror still glared harshly at him though, projecting a life of its own…

Then he saw it. The Rockbells leaned over a small Ishbalan child. So many children had died and been hurt…how many more would die because of him? Hearing his footsteps, the two doctors stood away from their patient, hands clasped, a single tear running down the female’s face. Snapping out his white gloves, he shuddered inwardly and closed his eyes as he snapped the ignition material, causing flame alchemy to hungrily devour the flesh of innocent humans. He was unable to look away entirely, though, and he saw the sad and even betrayed look in the dying man’s eyes. He would hear the screams of betrayal and hurt forever in these haunted reveries.

Turning away in self-loathing, still caught in the past, he blinked once, seeing the mirror. Smashing his arm against it, he didn’t hear the crash or the shattering glass. He didn’t feel the blood running steadily down his hand, and didn’t feel anything but the immense mental pain he was yoked under. Backing away in horror, finally seeing what he had done, he fell into a corner, driving the shards of the mirror farther into his hand, not caring about anything but the souls still haunting him.

“Roy, are you…” the Elric’s voice trailed off as he whispered the last word, “…alright…?” His voice cracked, his question already answered. “Bastard! What the hell were you trying to do? Smashing a freaking mirror isn’t going to do anything,” he growled, using the overbearing worry to hide his own insecurity and fear for Roy.

He sank to the floor next to the alchemist and began to cry in both self-hate and fear. Fear for Roy. His Roy.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

He had to do something. This wasn’t and couldn’t be Roy. The Taisa he knew didn’t go around trying to kill himself, harm himself, or even cry. It…it was frightening. He had already lost one person he had loved in his life, he didn’t…no, couldn’t lose another. It would tear him apart.

Watching the blue blanket gently rising and falling over the muscular figure, Ed sat on the floor, brushing a single strand of black hair out of the Colonel’s face. Before he realized it, he was talking to the sleeping man, crying quietly, wanting to have someone hold him but not wanting to show

“Roy, you bastard…what are you trying to do to yourself? You can’t die, you have to become Furher,” he whispered urgently, and then stopped to sigh quietly, his own mental barriers breaking down. “It would be hard to lose you, Roy…too hard. I wish I could tell you why, but I’m afraid to. It’s not fair to you…it’s not right.” Looking troubled, the blonde-haired teenager finally whispered what he was dying to say. “It’s just…it’s just that I love you,” he said, and then sighed in relief. Murmuring a bit more to Roy, he leaned back to the wall.

Curling up against the wall near the bed, he fell asleep without a second thought.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

Had he really heard Edward say that? Listening to the quiet whispers from the teenager, he heard the quiet and ragged breaths coming out of him. Was Edward really crying?

“..not fair to you…not right.”

He felt the quiet breaths of the teen gently brushing his face, but didn’t open his eyes. Edward might as well think he was asleep.

“…it’s just…it’s just that I love you…I know, it’s hard to imagine. I fell in love with you, bastard…” He heard the alchemist sniffle and rub his eyes and continue onward. “There. I’ve said it…fair now. We both know.” He heard a soft thumb and a few minutes later, he cracked an eye open to see the small teenager asleep, his back against the wall.

“Sleep well, Edward…” he sighed, fighting the urge to place a hand on the blonde head. “I love you, too.” Yawning widely and falling back to the pillow, he drifted to sleep with the knowledge that there was finally someone to trust, and someone at last who could love him in return.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

Rubbing his eyes sleepily, the Colonel woke up to a stack of paperwork and a cup of coffee.

“Good morning, Mustang,” Ed yawned, setting down a plate of toast and butter. “Sleep well?”

“Mmm,” the man agreed, protectively glaring at Ed over his coffee, not even sure what he was answering to.

“Good. Hawkeye brought some paperwork by, so you can’t slack off today.” Ed grinned at this. The Colonel, actually working? Wow…

“I’ll leave you up here to eat and get dressed, tell me when you’re ready to come out. You’ve got to get out of your house, it’s the holidays, after all,” he said quietly, worried for the flame alchemist’s sake. Yawning absently, Ed trekked downstairs, busy with his own thoughts.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

Blushing, the alchemist stumbled across the hall, having the odd urge to start giggling like a schoolgirl. In front of him, walking down the carpeted stairs, was a certain Colonel, minus his shirt. Instead of giggling though, he gave an annoyed tone to the man instead.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, bastard?” He began the conversation with this, as he normally did by now.

“Going downstairs, Fullmetal, it’s usually what people do after they get up in the mornings,” Roy replied, a sleepy smirk on his face.

“Do they generally go without a shirt, too?” he asked, a bemused expression on his face. At Roy’s suddenly-red face, Ed grinned. “Go get dressed, sleepy,” he laughed, running into his room to giggle freely immediately afterward.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

It was so much easier to pretend that nothing had ever happened last night. But now he was wondering too. Did the chibi actually mean it? Did Edward Elric actually love him?

He hoped so, pulling on a white shirt and dark blue pants; his off-duty wear might even attract some attention from the ladies…and maybe it could coax a couple hints out of Ed at the same time. Stepping out of his room, he was greeted with a nearly drooling Elric brother, though he pretended not to notice.

Regaining his composure, the blonde-haired chibi muttered something about being hungry and wandered downstairs, calling after him,

“Come on, bastard, we don’t have all day!”

“Now, Halfmetal, is that a way to treat your commanding officer?”

“If the officer in question’s dragged me through hell and back, it sure is!”

Laughing at that, Roy smirked and dragged Ed out the door.

“You wanted to go out, didn’t you?”

—–fullmetal alchemist—–

The marketplace was busy, and the two split up to get the job done the fastest. Ironically, both of them had an ulterior motive for splitting up—it was the holidays, and neither had a gift for the other.

Roy paused uncharacteristically, noticing a few knives in a stall nearby. One was beautifully inlaid with different woods and onyx to form an alchemy symbol, not a circle. That in itself gave him an idea. Paying for the knife, he sheathed it and turned back to find Ed.

Ed, in his own way, was frustrated. He had seen men buying gifts for their girlfriends, and vice versa, but he had nothing to get for the Colonel. There was one thing he could do, but it wouldn’t be the greatest gift. Wondering where Roy was, he ambled down the road until he found the Colonel surrounded by drooling girls and women professing their truest love…

It was a case of what Hughes and Havoc had titled ‘State Screamer Edward Elric.’ Mentally laughing, Roy added the next part for his own amusement: ‘Meltdown: Imminent.’

Chaper IV

I can’t take this anymore; Edo-kun can’t either. The other night I finally told him that I had heard him on that stormy night, that I knew the truth about his affections. Why, I ask myself now, did I question him? Why could I not have done what I needed to and gone after him, just giving him what he wanted for once, dammit? But no…now he’s in the guest bedroom, crying his beautiful golden eyes out…Oh, god, how much can I handle? First Ishbala, then failed suicide, and now Edward…
I could jump. In a sense, that’s what I’ve been trying to do.

It’s just now that this occurred to me…I could fly with the phoenix of death. But would that mean rebirth into this accursed and brutalized flesh? No. I can’t do this. Hughes, Riza…Ed…I’m sorry about this. Tonight’s it. If things don’t—can’t—get any better by tonight, then they never will. My only real regret now is not choosing to jump.

Because as much as I hate to admit it, I love someone that I can’t afford to. Dammit.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

Ed was so tired, so overwhelmed, and most of all, so broken. He loved Taisa, why couldn’t Roy just accept it as it was? He couldn’t stand the Colonel’s constant attempts at suicide, but at the same time he knew that if something like this actually happened…If they became more than friends, it would be like jumping together. The military, and indeed the community, did not sanction these relationships. And Ed knew it…

“WHY!” he screamed at the window, tears steaming down his usually passive face. Falling to his knees without warning, he whispered the words that he needed to say, had to get away from his heart. “I love him—it wasn’t supposed to be broken—and make my feelings for him hurt more…I thought that maybe he would at least understand…and not walk away…” he began uncontrollably shaking, crying, and on the inside, he felt a pain in his heart that simply hadn’t been there before.

“Who’s walking away?” The soft, quiet voice came from right behind him, where Roy simply crouched. “I’m not, Ed, and I never will.”

Leaning over to the younger alchemist gently, he kissed the top of his head, ruffling the golden locks with a hand afterwards.

“Taisa…” Ed said quietly, the floodgates of tears beginning to close already. He turned his body towards the Colonel, then leaned forward slightly, finding his body gently lifted and supported against Roy’s warm chest. Hearing the quiet heartbeat of the man, his face looked up softly at the only one who could save him; they were the only ones who could save each other. A gentle kiss was placed on Ed’s slightly open lips, returned warmly, but not in a passionate way. It was loving, but not suggestive or begging in any manner. Bringing his lips back, a light and somewhat awkward hug was received on both ends, neither wanting to let go. Then, the amber eyes—those eyes that had captured him so quickly, turned back up, but this time with a request.

“Taisa, tonight…um…tonight can you stay in here with me?” Smiling in a rare and kind manner, without the usual smirk, he replied,

“Hagane no, if you asked me to sleep outside, I would.”

Contented with that answer, Ed blushed and went to get his shower and nightclothes.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

With no second thoughts, Roy had said yes. He loved the teenager. Pulling his shirt over his head, he kept a pair of comfortable pants on to preserve any hint of modesty he had. As Ed came out of the shower, his heart caught in his throat as he saw a boy, not yet a man, his long blonde hair streaming over shoulders, nearly down to his waist. The automail on his body was fit perfectly to the small but muscular shape of his limbs, and even with the alchemist wearing a pair of boxers, he could see simply how beautiful this lost creature was. His only wish was that he knew how to help the teen, but the sins he had committed lay between him and his future.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

Climbing into the large, comfortable bed, Ed snuggled up next to the older man, putting his head near Roy’s chest again to hear the heartbeat. Roy watched the blonde curl up into a rather small ball to sleep, and as he too began to close his eyes, he heard a small voice.

“Taisa, will you still love me in the morning?”

Smiling just enough that his newfound lover saw it, he drifted off into peaceful dreams.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

Tired yet again, Roy woke up to see the blonde alchemist still in bed next to him, snuggled closer than ever. He sighed gently, watching his breath catch stray hairs and then shine when they caught the golden rays of the dawn.

“Taisa…” Ed murmured sleepily, waking up slowly but surely, cracking his eyes open to see the black orbs that made up Roy’s eyes.

“Yes, love?” Came the easy, almost practiced response to the query. “Get up, Hagane no, we have things to do.”

“Like what? Sleep?” Again the lump that was made of Ed spoke. “Get back in bed…it’s like…EFFING 7 AM! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME?” he yelled, falling out of the plush bed. Chasing after the Colonel with nothing but his bare hands and the intention to beat him down, he was rudely stopped—

—by a kiss.

Taken completely by surprise, the startled teenager backed up just enough that his back thumped lightly against the wall, forcing him to open his mouth slightly in surprise. Roy took advantage of that, pressing his warm tongue inside of Edo-kun’s mouth, probing slightly to provoke a reaction. Which, of course, he got, being the person he was to Ed. The younger male reached up and wound his fingers through the raven black hair, messing it up even more than it already was.

When they finally pulled away from the passionate kiss, Ed laid his head against Taisa’s chest, almost as his way of thanking him. As he walked out to get dressed for the day, Roy watched him almost curiously.

Who would ever know that the Fullmetal Alchemist had a soft side?

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

Dressed for the day, Ed found it much easier to clear his head and think about the mission the Colonel had made a remark about…apparently it was in one of the more northern cities. Anything other than that, Roy wouldn’t tell him, and now it was really bugging him.

Entering Mustang’s office without knocking as usual, he ran right into the annoyingly serious face of Hawkeye. Upon seeing Edward, though, her face softened.

“Hello, Edo-kun,” she said to him, trying not to look down too far.

“Kon’nichiwa, Hawkeye-senpai,” came the response. Walking into Roy’s office finally, he sprawled across the couch, yawning sleepily.

“You know, Halfmetal, by the way you slept last night, one would think that you almost wouldn’t be tired,” the smirking Colonel called from across the room. Gritting his teeth to stop from yelling, he smirked back. Why, he wouldn’t tell. But for once, he held himself together. Even Ed had no idea why.

He supposed it was just the rather odd feeling of being…in love…and loved.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

It turned out that Roy was supposed to be going on a mission to the snowy area of Temain, far to the west as well as the north. Allowed to bring one officer along, he had proclaimed to Ed that ‘any officer that can kick my ass is the one I want guarding my back.’ Thus, Ed was coming along. Sighing, he was about to walk out of the office when Roy quietly called to the chibi.

“Edo-chan, come here for a moment. You look a little pale, frankly.” Ed merely yawned at this, his yawn turning into a single cough. “I can always bring Hawkeye with me, you know.”

“Nah, I’ll come,” Ed said offhandedly, waving off concern, as usual. “I’m an alchemist, a little cough won’t be anything to worry about,” he sighed.

Chapter V 

What’s wrong with Ed? We left the train station less than 30 minutes ago, and already he seems…well…edgy. I have no idea what’s wrong. Honestly, I wish the little chibi would cast some kind of light on what went on here. He’s been here before, I know that. But…what…what could have happened to turn this brave child into a sorrowful recluse? Or is it just the way he acts on missions like this? We’re supposed to kill off the rebel forces that are ‘secretly’ encamped here, with orders direct from Furher President Bradley. More importantly, though, why does Hagan—no, Edward, keep touching his face on his left cheek? Unmarred, and perfectly normal, why does it seem that something is wrong to him?

Why can’t he tell me, if it’s anything important at all?

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

“So, what’s on your mind?” Roy finally asked. Looking over at his blonde companion, he noticed a slight jump on the boy’s part; no doubt he had been lost in his own thoughts. Sighing, he turned back to the ‘path’ they were making up the steep, mountainous area. It was already about the time to set up their camp for the night, as the sun set quickly on the peaks here. Stopping, he pulled the heavy tent off of his back and began setting it up.

With help from each other, Roy and Ed had finally managed to create their rather temporary home. Setting up sleeping bags without a thought, Roy managed to figure out a way to solve their predicament.

“You know, Fullmetal, it would be a lot warmer if we zipped our sleeping bags together,” he remarked casually, noting how Ed was already jumping to comply with his orders. Apparently he was cold… “We can warm it up more easily by doing this,” Roy continued quietly, almost seductively. As he began to climb into the bedroll, the young alchemist slipped in before him. Exhaling a breath of air, Ed conformed his figure around Roy’s; the reaction was almost automatic, the Flame Alchemist noted. As they were both drifting off…

“Taisa?” A small, almost child-like voice sliced through the wind-filled air. At Roy’s waiting silence, he asked, “Are we going to be staying here for a bit?”

“Yes, Edo-kun, I apologize. However, the coffee’s great up here, I’ve heard.” At that, the blonde snorted and promptly went to sleep, his head turned inward to Roy.

 He was like a small angel, a lost soul with no purpose or a place, Roy mused. It wasn’t often that the chibi was seen off of his guard. But maybe it was just another side of the boy that he’d have to get used to. The sleeping teenager’s hair spilled over his shoulders, akin to a golden river of…tears…? Why had he thought of tears?

It was only moments later that he realized why. Those golden tears were the precursors to the tears of war. Of hatred. Of—dare he say it—death. The boy would soon join the despicable ranks of soldier and murderer.

—–fullmetal alchemist—– 

Whistling a merry tune, Maes Hughes was reminded of the Colonel wherever he turned. He walked into the office and saw Roy’s best men—prime targets for his next attack with Elysia’s pictures. Until then, however, he was Roy Mustang’s replacement.

Walking into the office and opening a few drawers for the sole purpose of stuffing them with his daughter’s pictures, he noticed two white gloves, made of a special material, and emblazoned with an alchemic symbol…

“Oh, great…” Hughes sighed, resolving to send up Hawkeye with at least thirty rounds of ammunition.

 MORE COMING SOON!

~ by Larkir Kusakurin on Friday, 12.10.2007.

One Response to “Fullmetal Alchemist – Raison D’Etre”

  1. That was AWESOME!!!!!!!

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